When I Came Out

When I came out at the age of 36, I would regularly catch myself giggling at how silly it had been that I hadn’t done it sooner.

When I came out in the ’80s, I thought I would finally have some place to belong. Turns out I wasn’t the right kind of gay, either. I’m still alone, without a tribe.

When I came out, I felt a very heavy load lifted off my shoulders. Years of depression and self-hate went away. I abandoned 37 years at a church that couldn’t accept me and went to one that does.

When I came out, my wife took the children to her parents’. We stayed married two more years, which was a big mistake. It took me 20 years to make amends for that.

When I came out in in 1985 my parents dragged me out of the Lesbian & Gay Centre in Manchester and screamed abuse at me on Canal Street. They joined a support group for parents of queer Jewish youth and got over it. In 2006 they came to my civil partnership ceremony. Spare Rib magazine and Channel 4 was the only oases in heteroculture in 1985. Without those and the support offered at the Manchester gay youth group I definitely would have topped myself.

When I came out, my mum was confused. Hesitant. I’d been in an abusive, straight relationship at the time, and fallen for a woman in another country. Four years later, and my parents both agree my wife is the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

When I came out, I told my mom over the phone. She said she had known for a while and that she had also pursued a relationship with an older gay couple so that my father wouldn’t be freaked out when I told them. I’ve never been to Fire Island, but my dad has!

When I came out, it was at the bar to about a dozen of my friends. I was terrified at the time but months down the line, all my friends remarked on how much happier I was and how all the anger I had in me seemed to have disappeared because I was honest with them and with myself. Six years later and life is still getting better every day!

When I came out to my grandmother, she told me: “Of course you’re gay. You are so sensitive and smart! How could you not?”

When I came out, my mother said, “You’re going to die of AIDS!” and ran out of the room crying. 25 years later, she treats my husband of 17 years like family, and can’t understand why gay couples across the country can’t get married.